• “There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” – Spencer Tracy
  • “Dogs have no money. They’re broke their entire lives. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets” – Jerry Seinfeld
  • “Money without brains is always dangerous.” Napoleon Hill
  • "Carpe per diem – seize the check." – Robin Williams
  • "Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet" — Robin Williams
  • "Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so" — Josh Billings
  • "I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money" — David Lee Roth
  • "It’s money. I remember it from when I was single" — Billy Crystal
  • "When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators" — P. J. O’Rourke

I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not

– Fran Lebowitz

  • "Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year" — P.J. O’Rourke
  • "One good thing about Christmas shopping it toughens you for the January sales" — Grace Kriley
  • "A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction" — Mae West
  • "A man in love is like a clipped coupon — it’s time to cash in" — Mae West
  • "Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache" — Mae West
  • "A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore" — Yogi Berra
  • "There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash" — Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • "This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt" — Earl Wilson
  • "Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street" — Jay Leno

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

– Jay Leno

  • I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid — Brian May
  • "There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage" — James Holt McGavran
  • "The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love" — Joe Louis
  • “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” — Ronald Reagan
  • There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook" — Joyce Mattingly
  • "Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle
  • "I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes"– Mick Jagger
  • "I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died" — Malcolm Forbes

Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted

– Tug McGraw

  • "Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit" — George Carlin
  • "Hobbies cost money but interests are free" — George Carlin
  • "I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed" — George Carlin
  • "A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be" — unknown
  • "Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash
  • “Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson
  • “I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
  • “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
  • Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list — Milton Berle
  • My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it? — Milton Berle
  • “Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” — Bob Dylan

Sex is like money; only too much is enough

– John Updike

 

  • “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn
  • “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” — James Baldwin
  • “A fool and her money are soon courted.” — Helen Rowland
  • “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” — Mark Twain
  • “All heiresses are beautiful.” — John Dryden
  • “To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.” — Honore de Balzac
  • “The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.” — Thomas Fuller
  • “The way to be immortal (I mean not to die at all) is to have me for your heir. I recommend you to put me in your will and you will see that (as long as I live at least) you will never even catch cold.” — Lord Byron

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank

– Woody Allen

  • “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
  • I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time — Steven Wright
  • “His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.” — Mark Twain
  • “Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” — H.L. Mencken
  • “Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity” — Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”
  • “If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” — John Andrew Holmes
  • “Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk
  • “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. (sic)

– George W. Bush

 

  • “The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” — George W. Bush
  • “The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone
  • “You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it.” — Tennessee Williams
  • “If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around.” — Christina Stead
  • “You can’t tell a millionaire’s son from a billionaire’s.” — Vance Packard
  • “Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
  • “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” — Jules Renard
  • It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta — Dave Barry
  • “Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.'” — Paul McCartney

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something

– Jackie Mason

  • “No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.” — Margaret Thatcher
  • “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” — George Burns
  • “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” — Henny Youngman
  • “I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.” — Linda Evangelista
  • “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” — Ambrose Bierce
  • “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” — Lane Kirkland
  • “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
  • “I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.” — Bob Hope
  • “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
  • “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
  • “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock.” –Henry Youngman

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be — Rita Rudner

  • They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one — Rita Rudner
  • “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones
  • “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson
  • “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” — Mr. T
  • “It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” — Kin Hubbard
  • “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J Paul Getty
  • “When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito
  • “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis
  • From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash — Sophie Tucker

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better

– Sophie Tucker

 

  • “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” — Brooke Shields
  • “I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” — e e cummings
  • “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  • “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” — Artemus Ward
  • “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” –Franklin Jones
  • “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” — Henny Youngman
  • “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” — J. Paul Getty
  • “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy” — Steve Martin
  • “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” — Max Asnas
  • “It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich.” — Alan Alda

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

– Jackie Mason

  • “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” — Doug Larson
  • “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” — Woody Allen
  • “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” — George Gobel
  • “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” — George Bernard Shaw
  • “‘What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” — Bertolt Brecht
  • “In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.” — Kathleen Norris
  • “Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” — J. Paul Getty
  • “Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.” — Jane Austen
  • “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous
  • “A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels.” — Harry Lauder

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the
‘gotta have it’ scale
– Zig Ziglar

  • “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
  • “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” — Robert Frost
  • “My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” — Errol Flynn
  • “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
  • “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Frank Hubbard
  • “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” — Will Rogers
  • “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” – Zig Ziglar
  • “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” — Brendan Behan

 

[slideshow]

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