Washington Muscle Dollar Cagle

Daryl Cagle, Cagle Cartoons 2016

Funny Money Quotes

  • I guess that maybe breasts are the most important part of the body when you think about it, I mean without them employers just wouldn’t know who to give the smaller paychecks to — Elayne Boosler
  • There is only one amount of moneyjust not enoughAndy Kaufman
  • The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream
    Bill Murray
  • “There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” — Spencer Tracy

 
Economics was the only profession where a person could be considered an expert without having once been right Quote
 

Economics was the only profession where a person could be considered an expert without having once been right” — George Meany

 
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Chocolate makes everyone smile - even bankers Quote
 

Chocolate makes everyone smile – even bankers” — Ben Strohecker

 
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I've done the calculations and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not Quote
 
“I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not” — Fran Lebowitz
 
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If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to Quote
 

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to” — Dorothy Parker

 
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  • “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” — Yogi Berra
  • “There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • “This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” — Earl Wilson
  • “Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street” — Jay Leno

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

    • I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid — Brian May
    • “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
    • “The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love” — Joe Louis

KaiArt Mural DTLA Speak, See nor Hear No Evil

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  • “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” — Ronald Reagan
  • There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook” — Joyce Mattingly
  • “Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increasesrevenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle
  • “I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes”– Mick Jagger
  • “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

 
Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women ... and the other ten percent I wasted Quote
 

“Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted” — Tug McGraw

 
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Sex is like money; only too much is enough

John Updike

 

  • “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn
  • “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” — James Baldwin
  • “A fool and her money are soon courted.” — Helen Rowland
  • “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” — Mark Twain
  • “All heiresses are beautiful.” — John Dryden
  • “To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.” — Honore de Balzac
  • “The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.” — Thomas Fuller
  • “The way to be immortal (I mean not to die at all) is to have me for your heir. I recommend you to put me in your will and you will see that (as long as I live at least) you will never even catch cold.” — Lord Byron

 
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank Quote
 

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank” — Woody Allen

 
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Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. (sic)

George W. Bush

 

 
It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta Quote
 

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta” — Dave Barry

 
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  • “Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.'” — Paul McCartney

 
Money is not the most important thing in the world, Love is. Fortunately, I love money  Quote
 

“Money is not the most important thing in the world, Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason

 
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  • “No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.” — Margaret Thatcher
  • “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” — George Burns
  • “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” — Henny Youngman
  • “I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.” — Linda Evangelista
  • “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” — Ambrose Bierce
  • “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” — Lane Kirkland
  • “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
  • “I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.” — Bob Hope
  • “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
  • Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
  • “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock.” —Henry Youngman

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be Quote
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be” — Rita Rudner

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  • They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one — Rita Rudner
  • “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones
  • “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson
  • “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” — Mr. T
  • “It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” — Kin Hubbard
  • “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J Paul Getty
  • “When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito
  • “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis
  • From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash — Sophie Tucker

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better
— Sophie Tucker

  • “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” — Brooke Shields
  • “I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” — e e cummings
  • “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  • “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” — Artemus Ward
  • “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” —Franklin Jones
  • “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” — Henny Youngman
  • “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” — J. Paul Getty
  • “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy” — Steve Martin
  • “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” — Max Asnas
  • “It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich.” — Alan Alda

 
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something Quote
 

“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason

 
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  • “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” — Doug Larson
  • “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” — Woody Allen
  • “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” — George Gobel
  • “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” — George Bernard Shaw
  • “‘What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” — Bertolt Brecht
  • “In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.” — Kathleen Norris
  • “Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” — J. Paul Getty
  • Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.” — Jane Austen
  • “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous
  • “A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels.” — Harry Lauder

 
Money isn't the most important thing in life, but it's reasonably close to oxygen on the 'gotta have it' scale Quote
 

“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale” — Zig Ziglar

 
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  • “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
  • “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” — Robert Frost
  • “My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” — Errol Flynn
  • “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
  • “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Frank Hubbard
  • “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” — Will Rogers
  • “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” — Zig Ziglar
  • “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” — Brendan Behan

 

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Now just for for a little bit more money fun – how about some funny surnames that sound like money phrases?


Owen D. Banks
Robin Banks
Penny Banks
Owen Cash
Lotta Cash
Winsom Cash
Ty Coon
Marsha Dimes
Rich Feller
Bill Foldess
Rich Guy
Rich Kidd
Marion Money
U. O. Money
Rich Mann
Penny Nichols
Penny Profit
Macon A. Prophet
Penny Wise

And Finally, this…

Sometimes all you need is a Billion Dollars Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars.

 

To put it on a shirt or mug click images below:
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars

 

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Money Quotes Daily

Money Quotes Daily