Daryl Cagle, Cagle Cartoons 2016
Funny Money Quotes
I guess that maybe breasts are the most important part of the body when you think about it, I mean without them employers just wouldn’t know who to give the smaller paychecks to — Elayne Boosler
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“I want my face on money. I really do. I feel like I deserve… I want my face on money, period. I just… I want my period face on money” — Sarah Silverman
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“There is only one amount of money – just not enough” — Andy Kaufman
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“The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream” — Bill Murray
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“I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money” — David Lee Roth
Birthday October 10, 1954
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“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year” — P.J. O’Rourke
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- “There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” — Spencer Tracy
“Economics was the only profession where a person could be considered an expert without having once been right” — George Meany
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“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’” — Emo Philips
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“”Dogs have no money. They’re broke their entire lives. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets” — Jerry Seinfeld
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- “Money without brains is always dangerous.” Napoleon Hill
“Carpe per diem – seize the check” — Robin Williams
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“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams
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“Chocolate makes everyone smile – even bankers” — Ben Strohecker
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“A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction” — Mae West
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Birthday August 17, 1893
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon — it’s time to cash in” — Mae West
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“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” — Mae West
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“There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
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- “Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so” — Josh Billings
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
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- “When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators” — P. J. O’Rourke
- “It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink”
— Dave Barry
“I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not” — Fran Lebowitz
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“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” — Earl Wilson
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- “One good thing about Christmas shopping it toughens you for the January sales” — Grace Kriley
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to” — Dorothy Parker
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“There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook” — Joyce Mattingly
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- “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” — Yogi Berra
- “Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street” — Jay Leno
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno
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- I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid — Brian May
- “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
- “The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love” — Joe Louis
- “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” — Ronald Reagan
- “Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
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“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes” — Mick Jagger
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“Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted” — Tug McGraw
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- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin
- “Hobbies cost money but interests are free” — George Carlin
- “I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin
- “A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
- “Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash
- “Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson
- “I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
- “It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” — Milton Berle
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“My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it? — Milton Berle
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“Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” — Bob Dylan
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“A fool and her money are soon courted” — Helen Rowland
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“Sex is like money; only too much is enough” — John Updike
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- “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn
- “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” — James Baldwin
- “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” — Mark Twain
- “All heiresses are beautiful.” — John Dryden
- “To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.” — Honore de Balzac
- “The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.” — Thomas Fuller
- “The way to be immortal (I mean not to die at all) is to have me for your heir. I recommend you to put me in your will and you will see that (as long as I live at least) you will never even catch cold.” — Lord Byron
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank” — Woody Allen
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“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling” — Paula Poundstone
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- “Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
- I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time — Steven Wright
- “His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.” — Mark Twain
- “Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” — H.L. Mencken
- “Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity” — Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”
- “If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” — John Andrew Holmes
- “Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” — Herman Wouk
- “What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” —Mark Twain
Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. (sic)
- “The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” — George W. Bush
- “You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it.” — Tennessee Williams
- “If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around.” — Christina Stead
- “You can’t tell a millionaire’s son from a billionaire’s.” — Vance Packard
- “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” — Jules Renard
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college” — Bill Vaughn
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“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta” — Dave Barry
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- “Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.'” — Paul McCartney
“Money is not the most important thing in the world, Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason
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“No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.” — Margaret Thatcher
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- “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” — George Burns
- “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” — Henny Youngman
- “I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.” — Linda Evangelista
- “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” — Ambrose Bierce
- “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” — Lane Kirkland
- “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
- “I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.” — Bob Hope
- “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
- “Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock.” —Henry Youngman
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be” — Rita Rudner
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“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one” — Rita Rudner
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- “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones
- “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson
- “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” — Mr. T
- “It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” — Kin Hubbard
- “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J Paul Getty
- “When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito
- “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis
- From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash — Sophie Tucker
“I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better” — Sophie Tucker
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- “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” — Brooke Shields
- “I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” — e e cummings
- “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” — Artemus Ward
- “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” —Franklin Jones
- “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” — Henny Youngman
- “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy” — Steve Martin
- “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” — Max Asnas
“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich” — Alan Alda
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“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” — J. Paul Getty
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“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason
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“What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” — Bertolt Brecht
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“Rise early, work hard, strike oil” — J. Paul Getty
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“Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does” — Jane Austen
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“A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels” — Harry Lauder
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- “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” — Doug Larson
- “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” — Woody Allen
- “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” — George Gobel
- “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” — George Bernard Shaw
- “In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.” — Kathleen Norris
- “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous
“Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves” — Zig Ziglar
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“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale” — Zig Ziglar
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“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain” — Robert Frost
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- “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
- “My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” — Errol Flynn
- “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
- “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Frank Hubbard
- “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” — Will Rogers
- “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” — Brendan Behan
Now just for for a little bit more money fun – how about some funny surnames that sound like money phrases?
Owen D. Banks
Robin Banks
Penny Banks
Owen Cash
Lotta Cash
Winsom Cash
Ty Coon
Marsha Dimes
Rich Feller
Bill Foldess
Rich Guy
Rich Kidd
Marion Money
U. O. Money
Rich Mann
Penny Nichols
Penny Profit
Macon A. Prophet
Penny Wise
And Finally, this…
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars.
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