Washington Muscle Dollar Cagle

Daryl Cagle, Cagle Cartoons 2016

Funny Money Quotes

I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not

Fran Lebowitz

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Jay Leno

    • I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid — Brian May
    • “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
    • “The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love” — Joe Louis

KaiArt Mural DTLA Speak, See nor Hear No Evil

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  • “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” — Ronald Reagan
  • There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook” — Joyce Mattingly
  • “Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increasesrevenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle
  • “I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes”– Mick Jagger
  • “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes

Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted

Tug McGraw

Sex is like money; only too much is enough

John Updike


  • “If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.” — Katherine Hepburn
  • “Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did.” — James Baldwin
  • “A fool and her money are soon courted.” — Helen Rowland
  • “There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” — Mark Twain
  • “All heiresses are beautiful.” — John Dryden
  • “To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.” — Honore de Balzac
  • “The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir.” — Thomas Fuller
  • “The way to be immortal (I mean not to die at all) is to have me for your heir. I recommend you to put me in your will and you will see that (as long as I live at least) you will never even catch cold.” — Lord Byron

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank

Woody Allen

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. (sic)

George W. Bush


  • “The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you.” — George W. Bush
  • “The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.” — Paula Poundstone
  • “You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it.” — Tennessee Williams
  • “If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around.” — Christina Stead
  • “You can’t tell a millionaire’s son from a billionaire’s.” — Vance Packard
  • Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
  • “I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” — Jules Renard
  • It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta — Dave Barry
  • “Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.'” — Paul McCartney

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something

Jackie Mason

  • “No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.” — Margaret Thatcher
  • “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” — George Burns
  • “Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” — Henny Youngman
  • “I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day.” — Linda Evangelista
  • “Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.” — Ambrose Bierce
  • “If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.” — Lane Kirkland
  • “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
  • “I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money.” — Bob Hope
  • “I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
  • Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it.” — Mark Twain
  • “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock.” —Henry Youngman

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be Quote
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be” — Rita Rudner

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  • They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one — Rita Rudner
  • “I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse.” — Clinton Jones
  • “More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.” — John Nelson
  • “I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules.” — Mr. T
  • “It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.” — Kin Hubbard
  • “If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” — J Paul Getty
  • “When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow.” — Fern Naito
  • “We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure.” — Keith Davis
  • From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash — Sophie Tucker

I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better
— Sophie Tucker

  • “I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” — Brooke Shields
  • “I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” — e e cummings
  • “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  • “When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” — Artemus Ward
  • “A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.” —Franklin Jones
  • “What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” — Henny Youngman
  • “If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” — J. Paul Getty
  • “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy” — Steve Martin
  • “Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” — Max Asnas
  • “It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich.” — Alan Alda

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

Jackie Mason

  • “People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.” — Doug Larson
  • “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.” — Woody Allen
  • “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” — George Gobel
  • “If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.” — George Bernard Shaw
  • “‘What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” — Bertolt Brecht
  • “In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.” — Kathleen Norris
  • “Rise early, work hard, strike oil.” — J. Paul Getty
  • Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.” — Jane Austen
  • “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous
  • “A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels.” — Harry Lauder

Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the
‘gotta have it’ scale
Zig Ziglar

  • “Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
  • “A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.” — Robert Frost
  • “My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” — Errol Flynn
  • “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton
  • “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” — Frank Hubbard
  • “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.” — Will Rogers
  • “Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves.” — Zig Ziglar
  • “The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” — Brendan Behan


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Now just for for a little bit more money fun – how about some funny surnames that sound like money phrases?

Owen D. Banks
Robin Banks
Penny Banks
Owen Cash
Lotta Cash
Winsom Cash
Ty Coon
Marsha Dimes
Rich Feller
Bill Foldess
Rich Guy
Rich Kidd
Marion Money
U. O. Money
Rich Mann
Penny Nichols
Penny Profit
Macon A. Prophet
Penny Wise

And Finally, this…

Sometimes all you need is a Billion Dollars Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars.


To put it on a shirt or mug click images below:
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars


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