Daryl Cagle, Cagle Cartoons 2016
- The page contains over 200 funny money quotes and humor related finance quotes
- The quotes are attributed to comedians, actors, writers, politicians and other famous figures
- Many of the quotes poke fun at the relationship between love, sex, and money
- Several quotes reference taxes, debt, banking, and economic concepts in a joking manner
- The quotes can be shared on social media by clicking the “Share” button under each one
- At the end, the page suggests funny surname puns related to money and offers money-themed t-shirts and mugs
Funny Money Quotes
I guess that maybe breasts are the most important part of the body when you think about it, I mean without them employers just wouldn’t know who to give the smaller paychecks to — Elayne Boosler
Share the Elayne Boosler Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I want my face on money. I really do. I feel like I deserve… I want my face on money, period. I just… I want my period face on money” — Sarah Silverman
Share the Sarah Silverman Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There is only one amount of money – just not enough” — Andy Kaufman
Share the Andy Kaufman Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The Best Way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream” — Bill Murray
“I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money” — David Lee Roth
Share the David Lee Roth Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year” — P.J. O’Rourke
Share the P.J. O’Rourke Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
<-nextpage->
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” — Spencer Tracy
Share the Spencer Tracy Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Economics was the only profession where a person could be considered an expert without having once been right” — George Meany
Share the George Meany Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’” — Emo Philips
Share the Emo Philips Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“”Dogs have no money. They’re broke their entire lives. You know why dogs have no money? No pockets” — Jerry Seinfeld
Share the Jerry Seinfeld Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money without brains is always dangerous” — Napoleon Hill
Share the Napoleon Hill Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Carpe per diem – seize the check” — Robin Williams
Share the Robin Williams Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams
Share the Robin Williams Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Chocolate makes everyone smile – even bankers” — Ben Strohecker
Share the Ben Strohecker Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that’s subtraction” — Mae West
Share the Mae West Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon — it’s time to cash in” — Mae West
Share the Mae West Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” — Mae West
Share the Mae West Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There is nothing wrong with a woman welcoming all men’s advances as long as they are in cash” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
Share the Zsa Zsa Gabor Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so” — Josh Billings
Share the Josh Billings Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
Share the Billy Crystal Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators” — P. J. O’Rourke
Share the P. J. O’Rourke Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink”
— Dave Barry
Share the Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not” — Fran Lebowitz
Share the Fran Lebowitz Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” — Earl Wilson
Share the Earl Wilson Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“One good thing about Christmas shopping it toughens you for the January sales” — Grace Kriley
Share the Grace Kriley Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to” — Dorothy Parker
Share the Dorothy Parker Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There are three books my daughter felt were the most important influences in her life: the Bible, her mother’s cookbook, and her father’s checkbook” — Joyce Mattingly
Share the Joyce Mattingly Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore” — Yogi Berra
Share the Yogi Berra Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street” — Jay Leno
Share the Jay Leno Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno
Share the Jay Leno Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I despise the Lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid” — Brian May
Share the Brian May Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Share the James Holt McGavran Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love” — Joe Louis
Share the Joe Louis Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself” — Ronald Reagan
Share the Ronald Reagan Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement’. Not so. No one was fooled” — Dan Quayle
Share the Dan Quayle Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
Share the Malcolm Forbes Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes” — Mick Jagger
Share the Mick Jagger Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Ninety percent of my salary I spent on booze and women … and the other ten percent I wasted” — Tug McGraw
Share the Tug McGraw Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit” — George Carlin
Share the George Carlin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Hobbies cost money but interests are free” — George Carlin
Share the George Carlin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed” — George Carlin
Share the George Carlin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Share the Unknown Author Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer” — Ogden Nash
Share the Ogden Nash Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery” — Beverly Johnson
Share the Beverly Johnson Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
Share the Milton Berle Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Share the Milton Berle Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” — Milton Berle
Share the Milton Berle Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“My son has a big Christmas problem – what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it? — Milton Berle
Share the Milton Berle Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money doesn’t talk, it swears.” — Bob Dylan
Share the Bob Dylan Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A fool and her money are soon courted” — Helen Rowland
Share the Helen Rowland Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Sex is like money; only too much is enough” — John Updike
Share the John Updike Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal” — Katherine Hepburn
Share the Katherine Hepburn Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn’t have it and thought of other things if you did” — strong>James Baldwin
Share the James Baldwin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can” — Mark Twain
Share the Mark Twain Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“All heiresses are beautiful”– John Dryden
Share the John Dryden Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure” — Honore de Balzac
Share the Honore de Balzac Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The patient is not likely to recover who makes the doctor his heir” — Thomas Fuller
Share the Thomas Fuller Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The way to be immortal (I mean not to die at all) is to have me for your heir. I recommend you to put me in your will and you will see that (as long as I live at least) you will never even catch cold” — Lord Byron
Share the Lord Byron Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank” — Woody Allen
Share the Woody Allen Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling” — Paula Poundstone
Share the Paula Poundstone Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks” — Steven Wright
Share the Steven Wright Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time” — Steven Wright
Share the Steven Wright Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine” — Mark Twain
Share the Mark Twain Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Wealth – any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband” — H.L. Mencken
Share the H.L. Mencken Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Tax deductible, That’s what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity” — Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole’s “Unforgettable”
Share the Steven Zelin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!” — John Andrew Holmes
Share the John Andrew Holmes Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today” — Herman Wouk
Share the Herman Wouk Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” — Mark Twain
Share the Mark Twain Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms” — George W. Bush
Share the George W. Bush Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason – to pass the tax bill on to you” — George W. Bush
Share the George W. Bush Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it” — Tennessee Williams
Share the Tennessee Williams Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn’t be enough to go around” — Christina Stead
Share the Christina Stead Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“You can’t tell a millionaire’s son from a billionaire’s” — Vance Packard
Share the Vance Packard Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries” — Jules Renard
Share the Jules Renard Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college” — Bill Vaughn
Share the Bill Vaughn Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta” — Dave Barry
Share the Dave Barry Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Somebody said to me, ‘But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.’ That’s a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, ‘Now, let’s write a swimming pool.'” — Paul McCartney
Share the Paul McCartney Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money is not the most important thing in the world, Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason
Share the Jackie Mason Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he’d only had good intentions – he had money, too.” — Margaret Thatcher
Share the Margaret Thatcher Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed” — George Burns
Share the George Burns Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did” — Henny Youngman
Share the Henny Youngman Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I don’t wake up for less than $10,000 a day” — Linda Evangelista
Share the Linda Evangelista Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to” — Ambrose Bierce
Share the Ambrose Bierce Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves” — Lane Kirkland
Share the Lane Kirkland Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it” — Bob Hope
Share the Bob Hope Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money” — Bob Hope
Share the Bob Hope Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok” — Shaquille O’Neal
Share the Shaquille O’Neal Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it” — Mark Twain
Share the Mark Twain Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need; if I die by four O’clock” — Henry Youngman
Share the Henny Youngman Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be” — Rita Rudner
Share the Rita Rudner Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one” — Rita Rudner
Share the Rita Rudner Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse” — Clinton Jones
Share the Clinton Jones Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits” — John Nelson
Share the John Nelson Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules” — Mr. T (aka Lawrence Tureaud)
Share the Mr. T (aka Lawrence Tureaud) Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed” — Kin Hubbard
Share the Kin Hubbard Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem” — J Paul Getty
Share the J Paul Getty Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“When you’ve got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow” — Fern Naito
Share the Fern Naito Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“We didn’t actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure” — Keith Davis
Share the Keith Davis Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash” — Sophie Tucker
Share the Sophie Tucker Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor: Rich is better” — Sophie Tucker
Share the Sophie Tucker Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’m so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain: ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood” — Brooke Shields
Share the Brooke Shields Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart” — e e cummings
Share the e e cummings Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with” — Rodney Dangerfield
Share the Rodney Dangerfield Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money” — Artemus Ward
Share the Artemus Ward Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist” — Franklin Jones
Share the Franklin Jones Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money” — Henny Youngman
Share the Henny Youngman Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy” — Steve Martin
Share the Steve Martin Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die” — Max Asnas
Share the Max Asnas Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“It isn’t necessary to be rich and famous to be happy, it’s only necessary to be rich” — Alan Alda
Share the Alan Alda Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.” — J. Paul Getty
Share the J. Paul Getty Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money” — Jackie Mason
Share the Jackie Mason Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?” — Bertolt Brecht
Share the Bertolt Brecht Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Rise early, work hard, strike oil” — J. Paul Getty
Share the J. Paul Getty Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does” — Jane Austen
Share the Jane Austen Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels” — Harry Lauder
Share the Harry Lauder Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage” — Doug Larson
Share the Doug Larson Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons” — Woody Allen
Share the Woody Allen Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one” — George Gobel
Share the George Gobel Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion” — George Bernard Shaw
Share the George Bernard Shaw Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular” — Kathleen Norris
Share the Kathleen Norris Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
- “It’s easy to meet expenses – everywhere we go, there they are.” — Anonymous
“Money won’t make you happy… but everybody wants to find out for themselves” — Zig Ziglar
Share the Zig Ziglar Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the ‘gotta have it’ scale” — Zig Ziglar
Share the Zig Ziglar Funny Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain” — Robert Frost
Share the Robert Frost Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money” — Satchel Paige
Share the Satchel Paige Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income” — Errol Flynn
Share the Errol Flynn Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one” — Jack Yelton
Share the Jack Yelton Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need” — Will Rogers
Share the Will Rogers Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less” — Brendan Behan
Share the Brendon Behan Money quote image above on your site:
Short Link to this Page:
Now just for for a little bit more money fun – how about some funny surnames that sound like money phrases?
Owen D. Banks
Robin Banks
Penny Banks
Owen Cash
Lotta Cash
Winsom Cash
Ty Coon
Marsha Dimes
Rich Feller
Bill Foldess
Rich Guy
Rich Kidd
Marion Money
U. O. Money
Rich Mann
Penny Nichols
Penny Profit
Macon A. Prophet
Penny Wise
And Finally, this…
Sometimes all you need is a billion dollars.
To put it on a shirt or mug click images below:
Short Link to this Page:
You must be logged in to post a comment.