I saw a small kid the other day happily playing in the
street. He accidentally swallowed a coin which became stuck in his throat.
With the boy choking, his mum ran along the street screaming for help.
Luckily a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so he
coughed up the coin. "Doctor, thank you ever so much" proclaimed the
Mother. "Lady, I'm no Doctor," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the
queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were
their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We
can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics
and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good,"
said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's
nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third New
Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your
forecast for the budget deficit next year?" (Adapted from Economist
June 13th 1992, p. 71).
One day a woman went for a walk in her neighborhood and came across
a boy with some puppies. "Would you like a puppy? They aren't ready
for new homes quite yet, but they will be in a few weeks!"
"Oh, they're adorable," the lady said. "What kind of dogs are they?"
"These are economists." "OK. I'll tell my husband."
So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to
see the puppies. About a week later he came across the lad; the puppies
were very active.
"Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?" "I think my wife spoke with you last
week. What kind of dogs are these?" "Oh. These are decision analysts."
"I thought you said last week that they were economists." "Yeah, but
they've opened their eyes since then."
A Harvard economist had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each
summer he'd invite a different friend (no, that's not the punch line)
to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian
to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country - rising
early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went
out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around
the berry patch along came two huge bears. The economist dashed for
cover. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole. The economist ran back to his car, drove to town
as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the economist. Sure
enough, both bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the
economist, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears,
and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and
SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatd'ya do that for?!" exclaimed the economist,
"I said he was in the other!" "Yep," said the sheriff, "and would
YOU believe a economist who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Make Big Money - Get
a Job!
Hi, my name is Aloysius. Five years ago I had no money. People wanted
me to pay for services that I had used, yet I had no funds to pay
them with.
Then an amazing thing happened! A friend of mine told me about a
place where people get together for about 8 hours at a time. While
together, these `employees' provide services, build things, add value
to things, and even manage the activities of others. All this is done
in exchange for money, often paid at the completion of 40 hours of
activity.
My friend told me that if I joined him, the people at this place
would give me money too! In time, they may even give me lots of money,
and I mean a LOT of money. Just imagine my joy at being told of a
system that would enable me to pay for all the things I want and need!
I was so happy to learn of this system that I set out on a mission.
There are too many people on the Internet who have not yet discovered
this method of obtaining money. Instead, these misguided souls participate
in schemes that promise thousands of dollars in exchange for an illegal
five dollar investment.
If you read any Usenet newsgroup on a regular basis, you know the
people I mean. They post messages such as: "Big Money NOW", "Fast
Cash NOW" and "Get out of Debt and into Jail, NOW!"
These unfortunates must hear this message of great joy and good
fortune: GET A JOB AND STOP FLOODING THE INTERNET WITH GET RICH QUICK
SCHEMES!!!!
I invite you to join me in this quest. How? Simple! Whenever someone
posts an illegal get-rich-quick-scheme to your favorite newsgroup,
simply E-mail this letter back to them. An additional step may be
required to deliver the good news to people who post these messages
under phony e-mail addresses. For them, a hard copy of this letter
to their postal address may be required. (They always include a postal
address because that's where they want you to send the BIG MONEY)
It has also been suggested to me that people may wish to send this
letter to the Sysop or Postmaster of the letter writer's Internet
Service Provider. I think this is a great idea, and I fully encourage
further suggestions for improving the delivery of this good news!
You have my permission to copy this letter. Feel free to add your
name to mine and those listed here, (when and if people decide to
add their names to this letter), or remain anonymous and send it as
is.
Credit: posted to alt.backrubs by cdnation@********** (Tom Flynn)
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce
to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested
collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the
man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan
and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be
$5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started
to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found
out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce
in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the
crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading
security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured
only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he
could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error,
he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
John Anicetti
My Bosses Jokes
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole
staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of humor??"
"I don't *have* to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday..."
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe
me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
