- I saw a small kid the other day happily playing in the street. He accidentally swallowed a coin which became stuck in his throat. With the boy choking, his mum ran along the street screaming for help. Luckily a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so he coughed up the coin. “Doctor, thank you ever so much” proclaimed the Mother. “Lady, I’m no Doctor,” replied the man, “I work for the IRS.”
- When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. “Wonderful,” exclaimed Einstein. “We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity”. The second answered 150. “Good,” said Einstein. “I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand’s nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace”. The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, “So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?” (Adapted from Economist June 13th 1992, p. 71).
- One day a woman went for a walk in her neighborhood and came across a boy with some puppies. “Would you like a puppy? They aren’t ready for new homes quite yet, but they will be in a few weeks!”
- “Oh, they’re adorable,” the lady said. “What kind of dogs are they?” “These are economists.” “OK. I’ll tell my husband.” So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to see the puppies. About a week later he came across the lad; the puppies were very active.
“Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?” “I think my wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?” “Oh. These are decision analysts.” “I thought you said last week that they were economists.” “Yeah, but they’ve opened their eyes since then.”
- A Harvard economist had a summer house in the Maine woods. Each summer he’d invite a different friend (no, that’s not the punch line) to spend a week or two. On one occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian to stay with him. They had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning they went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch along came two huge bears. The economist dashed for cover. His friend wasn’t so lucky and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The economist ran back to his car, drove to town as fast has he could, and got the sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the economist. Sure enough, both bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the economist, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. “Whatd’ya do that for?!” exclaimed the economist, “I said he was in the other!” “Yep,” said the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a economist who told you that the Czech was in the Male?”
- Make Big Money – Get a Job!
Hi, my name is Aloysius. Five years ago I had no money. People wanted me to pay for services that I had used, yet I had no funds to pay them with.
Then an amazing thing happened! A friend of mine told me about a place where people get together for about 8 hours at a time. While together, these `employees’ provide services, build things, add value to things, and even manage the activities of others. All this is done in exchange for money, often paid at the completion of 40 hours of activity.
My friend told me that if I joined him, the people at this place would give me money too! In time, they may even give me lots of money, and I mean a LOT of money. Just imagine my joy at being told of a system that would enable me to pay for all the things I want and need!
I was so happy to learn of this system that I set out on a mission. There are too many people on the Internet who have not yet discovered this method of obtaining money. Instead, these misguided souls participate in schemes that promise thousands of dollars in exchange for an illegal five dollar investment.
If you read any Usenet newsgroup on a regular basis, you know the people I mean. They post messages such as: “Big Money NOW”, “Fast Cash NOW” and “Get out of Debt and into Jail, NOW!”
These unfortunates must hear this message of great joy and good fortune: GET A JOB AND STOP FLOODING THE INTERNET WITH GET RICH QUICK SCHEMES!!!!
I invite you to join me in this quest. How? Simple! Whenever someone posts an illegal get-rich-quick-scheme to your favorite newsgroup, simply E-mail this letter back to them. An additional step may be required to deliver the good news to people who post these messages under phony e-mail addresses. For them, a hard copy of this letter to their postal address may be required. (They always include a postal address because that’s where they want you to send the BIG MONEY)
It has also been suggested to me that people may wish to send this letter to the Sysop or Postmaster of the letter writer’s Internet Service Provider. I think this is a great idea, and I fully encourage further suggestions for improving the delivery of this good news!
You have my permission to copy this letter. Feel free to add your name to mine and those listed here, (when and if people decide to add their names to this letter), or remain anonymous and send it as is.
Credit: posted to alt.backrubs by cdnation@********** (Tom Flynn)
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Cops are now looking for a man with a price on his head
— Zlatan Khubaibimović (@khuBaibStation) August 11, 2019
- Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
“Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.”
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”
- The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice
“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
- Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
My Bosses Jokes
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor??”
“I don’t *have* to laugh,” she said. “I’m leaving Friday…”
- There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”