Steven Wright: Mailman Delivers Bills Faster than Checks

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks." -- Steven Wright

Tainted Money: Dirtied by Both You and I

"His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.'' -- Mark Twain

Mencken: Wealth is Higher Income Than Yours

"Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband." -- H.L. Mencken

Tax Deductible, That's What You Are: Steven Zelin

"Tax deductible, That's what you are: Tax deductible. Just like my car, like a gift to local charity, you give my 1040 clarity" -- Steven Zelin, the singing CPA to the tune of Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable"

Cheerfully Paying Taxes: God Loves Happy Fools

"If the Lord loveth a cheerful giver, how he must hate the taxpayer!" -- John Andrew Holmes

Tax Time: First Get Organized, then Commit Suicide

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta." -- Dave Barry

The World's Best Fiction is Written for the IRS

"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -- Herman Wouk

Mark Twain on Tax Collectors vs Tax-idermists

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” --Mark Twain

George Bush Quote: Hyperbole on Tax (Re)forms

"Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms. (sic)" -- George W. Bush

Rich Avoiding Taxes: George W. Bush Tax Quote

"The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason - to pass the tax bill on to you." -- George W. Bush

Taxes on The Wages of Sin Mean Sleepiness

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." -- Paula Poundstone

Tennessee Williams Money Quote: Money Before Old Age

"You can be young without money but you can't be old without it." -- Tennessee Williams

Rich People Can't Share Equally, Even With Each Other

"If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around."
-- Christina Stead

Rich Kid with Millions vs Mega Rich Kid with Billions

"You can't tell a millionaire's son from a billionaire's." -- Vance Packard

Economists Recommend College to Pay for College

"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college." -- Bill Vaughn

What Separates Men From Animals? Money Worries

"I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries." -- Jules Renard

Enough Money to Last Forever, If I Don't Spend Any

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason

Paul McCartney to John Lennon: Write a Swimming Pool

"Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'" -- Paul McCartney

Margaret Thatcher Money Quote: Moneyed Samaritan

"No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions - he had money, too." -- Margaret Thatcher

George Burns: Get Outta Bed Unless There's Money In It

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -- George Burns

Henny Youngman Money Quote: Credit Card Theif

"Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did." -- Henny Youngman

Linda Evangelista Gets Money or Beauty Sleep

"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista

Milton Berle Money Quote: Later Becomes Sooner Fast

"It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!" -- Milton Berle

Ambrose Bierce Funny Quote: Acquaintance Borrower

"Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to." -- Ambrose Bierce

Hard Work Not Revered by Rich or They'd Hoard It Too

"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." -- Lane Kirkland

Rita Rudner: Money & Disrespect for Humanity

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." -- Rita Rudner

Bob Hope Quote: Banks Make Unnecessary Loans

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." -- Bob Hope

Bob Hope: Love Being Close to My Money So I Visit DC

"I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money." -- Bob Hope

Shaquille O'Neal Money Quote: Endorsements & B-Ball

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok." -- Shaquille O'Neal

Mark Twain Money Quote: Cash for Candor of Course

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it." -- Mark Twain

Having Money Rarely Worsens a Problem

"I have never been in a situation where having money made it worse." -- Clinton Jones

Trouble Aligning Net Income With Gross Behavior

"More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits." -- John Nelson

Mr. T: Golden Rule: Owner of Gold, Makes Rules

"I believe in the Golden Rule. The Man with the Gold, Rules." -- Mr. T

Neither Riches nor Poverty Bring Happiness

"It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed." -- Kin Hubbard

J. Paul Getty: Banks Problem if You Owe Millions

"If you owe the bank $100 that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem." -- J Paul Getty

Get Them By the Pocketbook if You'd Have Their Heart

"When you've got them by their wallets, their hearts and minds will follow." -- Fern Naito

Overspend Budget? Allocation Fell Short of Expenditure

"We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure." -- Keith Davis

Better To Be Rich Than Poor Money Quote

"I've been rich and I've been poor: Rich is better." -- Sophie Tucker

Brooke Shields: Finance Naivete Clarified by Mercedes